census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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