What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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