so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
