Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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