A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If its not for food we ain't going out.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
