my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My bed smells like the plague
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
