You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
