Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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