I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
