Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
