Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize