Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I love you. Go after that dick
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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