i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize