u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
