the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
