i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
