In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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