Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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