How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
