so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize