i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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