But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
