Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
