I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
