I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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