Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
