he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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