rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
