All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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