On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
