so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
