gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
