Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
