Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
