im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
