drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i think i scared a bird with my dick
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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