She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
