Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
