I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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