Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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