I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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