Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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