I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
