I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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