my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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