i don't like sucking hair
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
