I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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