My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
