I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
