I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
