You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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