just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
