sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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