I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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