I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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